Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Feeling proper sorry for myself ;0(

Me and Hope are still in bed after a rather sleepless night. I don't seem to be able to muster the energy to get up and face another day. All seems pretty pointless

Somewhere on Hope's blog there's a sticky that says 'everything happens for a reason...' think I'll remove that. How can there be a reason?

Was it not bad enough that I had a baby boy who died?
And of all the days in the year, he died on Christmas day!
Was that not bad enough?

Then to concieve, and dream of Hope
And them find problems with her brain.
I thought ventriculomegaly and cerebellar hypoplasia were pretty bad.
We were told she may never walk or talk already.
So the eplilespsy...
Well I thought it couldn't get any worse
How wrong
What did I do to deserve this?
Why my babies?

Dr CH did tell me not to go looking it up. Not until we know more. But I'm not the kind of person that can wait. My motto is 'knowledge is power'. But actually that's crap! I am powerless. I can only be there to love her and witness what I fear most.

I hope so much they are wrong.

And my poor big babies. Poor dolly and moo. They've had so much sadness already. How do I tell them? Do I tell them? No is the answer. I will protect them for as long as possible.

So, I put on that brave face and carry on. Wear the familar mask. Smile. Laugh.



  1. i know you have to wear that mask again for kids your right, no point in them worrying but you dont have to wear it for me, you can say anything you like to me and it goes no further you know that. and i`ll be there for you what ever happens along the way and help you in any way however big or small. I know its not much and i wish i could do more. Hope is loved so very much and she feels that im sure. lots of love xxx

  2. I hate the saying "everything happens for a reason", and I argue with people who tell me that. I cannot explain why there are those that carry more of a burden in the world, wish I knew. I am sorry. We have incredible hospitals here in Tx. If you need to visit here you can stay with us.

  3. Dear Caroline,

    I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and your family right now.

    Lots of love Debbie
    mum to Joel

  4. I just wanted to say that you, hope and the rest of the family are always in my thoughts and if i can help in any way please let me know
    lots of love Katy xxx

  5. Just needed to say that I feel so helpless and that you're a woderful mother and Hope is a beautiful and special child.Who knows why you've had so much thrown at you during the last few years!!!!!Keep strong xxxxx