Wednesday, 26 August 2009

I feel like I'm falling

Me again. 2nd depressing blog in one day. But this is my only release. I want to scream really loud. Bang things. Cry. But I can't. I can't even talk to anyone because I don't want Jordan and Max to hear anything. So I'm here. Tapping away on my iPhone. Hope is at the milk bar (ie me) as usual. Jordan is on the laptop. Chris and max have gone out to get trainers and lunch for max tomorrow. (my lil max is off to London tomorrow by himself. Chris couldn't get the time off work, and Swindon Town can hardly play without their keeper, so he's going with the centre of excellence director).
On the surface, everything seems normal. But it's not!

I feel like I am grieving. Again. But inside. I feel like my legs could give way. Not sure how long I can keep up...will just keep trying for the sake of the kids.

We visited my gran today. She'll be 80 this year. I didn't tell her anything. As much as possible I've avoided sharing bad news about HOpe with her.
But she knew.
She was saying how perfect her skin is. The softest ever.
So bonny
Such blue eyes
That she's worried about Hope.
That she doesn't want to upset me
But ....
That I should just enjoy her
Because we don't know how long she's got


I keep thinking about that. I mean we don't know it's M.E.L.A.S yet... That's what Chris keeps saying.
But, as far as I can see, and my understanding is this...
Her body is not functioning properly
The acid will build up in her organs
And fail :0(
How long? Years? I fooking hope so. But how many? 5? That's not enough. Nor is 10. Or 30.
I shouldn't be thinking of this. I don't want to

I keep hoping they are wrong. But it's not going to be nothing.

Thank you all for the lovely messages by the way


  1. sweetie hang in there.enjoy the time you have with her..try not to look too far ahead. lots and lots of love

    Di, melissa and mark xx

  2. So sorry to hear that Caroline. I think you are being fantastic in carrying on for the sake of the kiddies, but as you say, there isn't really any choice but to keep on acting like things are normal.
    Thinking of you and Baby Hope so much...all the time... Call me if you need to chat, or if you need me to distract, or anything you need.
    Love and hugs to you all. I wish I could do something to help in some way my friend. So sorry. The waiting must be tough, hope you get the results fast and that it isn't MELAS.
    Love Rachel xxxxxxxx