honkeyplonk: Sorry Sammy :0(

Sunday 30 August 2009

Sorry Sammy :0(

We live 5 minutes away from Sam's garden (the cemetary). We visit often. We
NEVER drive past without popping in. But today, I said to Chris I couldn't go there.

I am afraid I will just break down at Sam's . You see, it's a family plot. So there's room. But it was meant to be for me and Chris a long time in the future. Not Hope!

I don't want to have to have pink writing added to the pale blue. To have to make room for more toys :0( I really don't have the strength.

I know noone imagines they would. But Before, well I guess I didn't give it much thought. I never really believed Sam would die (though equally, I also never imagined Sam coming home). Last time, we kinda just got through.
But now, I know
And I know I can't do it again

I love you Hope
I need you
I promise to always look after you
Forever
I'll spend the rest of my life caring for you
I'll never resent doing that
Or wish my life was different
Just don't ever leave Mummy
Please Princess Plonkey Pie

8 comments:

marion drummond30 August 2009 at 12:56
Caroline, sometimes u have 2 b cruel 2 b kind so please understand what i am saying to you. My (adopted) Mum n Dad lost a wee girl 2 cancer at the age of 5 and for long time they visited the grave every day, until it became an obsession and was destroying them, we can remember loved ones in so may diff ways, hope u will come to that stage soon. Hope and you are in my thoughts and prayers and i'm really praying for a miracle. Love to you all xx
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mary31 August 2009 at 01:26
Im sure Sam will understand your reasons for not stopping by.
He`s with YOU always anyway not up at his garden. But untill you feel ready i will pop up to his garden a couple of times a week just to keep things tidy for you. XXX
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Anonymous31 August 2009 at 10:00
I agree with mum babe, Sammy knows you wont ever forget him, you dont have to go to where his resting place is to remember....hes with you always. take easch day at a time. wish i could make it better. xx
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Jennifer Ortiz31 August 2009 at 13:49
My grandmother won't go to my moms grave anymore because she said she believes she isn't there only her body is. She believes her spirit is all around so she just sends flowers on her birthday to the site. Take each day a step at a time. My grandmother offered to give us her spot if something should happen to Jude. It's a horrible horrible thought, so I understand your feelings a little
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Anonymous1 September 2009 at 02:59
I agree. Sammy is with you and his family, wherever you all are - not at the graveyard. He won't mind if you visit or not as he knows you are thinking about him so much and loving him always.
Caroline I don't know what to say regarding Hope. What can I say? I love you all and you are in my thoughts. My church prayer group prays for her and you. I know you are not religious but it can't do any harm can it? Everyone is thinking of you and holding you close. I have been so sad and tearful these last few days thinking of you, Chris & all your children. Sending our love as always my friend. Rachel, David, James & Josh xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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NA1 September 2009 at 09:08
Caroline, words truly cannot put across how much my heart goes out to you. ((Hugs)) please know I am here if you need anything. I know you have lots of people around you but if I can ever do anything just shout. I wish I could drive, there are so many times I wanted to come over and just hug you. ((Hugs)) Never far from my thoughts....love yo you, love to that special wee Hope and love to Chris and the kids too. xxxx
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Jennifer Ortiz1 September 2009 at 15:14
Checking on you. Let me know how you are. Hugs
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Anonymous2 September 2009 at 01:10
Caroline,
Thinking of you lots. I understand how you feel, I still visit Joel everyday but your friends are right, he is around you always and will understand,he knows he is loved so very much by you all.I wish I had the right words to say to you,prayers and lots of love being sent your way
Love Debbiexxxxxx
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To say that Hope was a much wanted baby would be an understatement. Longed for, dreamed of and needed would be closer to the truth. Her big brother Sam died on Christmas day 07, leaving her Mummy, Daddy, big sister- Jordan, and big brother Max sad beyond words. Four months after lil Sam's death, and we were blessed with another pregnancy. Surely everything would be ok this time around? Sam had died of a diapramatic hernia, so knowing the increased odds of having another baby with CDH, we waited before breaking the news to Jordan and Max. At 13 weeks gestation, we were given the all clear and told the baby was a boy. So why was I dreaming about a little girl called Hope?
We broke the news to an excited Jordan and Max. This is when the growing fetus was named 'Honk' (will explain this at some point). After 2 weeks of delight our bubble was burst. There was something wrong. Here began our rollercoaster. Baby Hope was diagnosed prenatally with cerebellum hypoplasia and ventriculomegaly. We were advised to...I can't even type it, but obviously we didn't. Fot the first 3 months Hope appeared to be 'normal' - against the odds, but as time went on, it is becoming clear that all may not be as well as it could be. Hope is now globally delayed, and has recently been diagnosed with epilepsy.
Did we ask for a special child? No, but we have been blessed with one. Would we turn back time? No. Hope has bought light where there was dark; smiles where there were tears. I'm sure we will learn more from her than we will ever teach her. Who knows what the future holds for Hope. But I swear, I will always do the best by her and she will know love!

Update: Hope has recently been diagnosed with a mitochondrial disorder (high lactic acidosis). Due to the fact that any findings will not provide cures or even treatments we have declined further investigations (skin and muscle biopsies seem too much ).