Thursday, 27 August 2009

I can't do it

I can't do it.
Again.
I can't....
.. kiss 2 photos goodnight.
... Have 2 special stars in the sky.
...Kiss cold lips goodbye.
...Watch my dreams lowered into the ground
...Break Jordan and max's hearts again
...Watch them grieve
...Helpless
...Unable to fix them
I just can't


I know I said I'd not research/obsess anymore.
I have.
It's not good
There are 4 possibilities
None are great
2 are nasty.
Painful. Premature ....
1 I can rule out because of the ultrasound revealing normal kidneys and liver
There's one I guess I'd rather it be, but knowing our luck, it won't be.
And still, that one is not good
Far from it

To top it all, 2 of the 4 involve an auto recessive gene pattern
Which would mean I'm a carrier
All my kids would have 25% chance of having it
Or being carriers

What on earth did we do to deserve this?
This life stinks

Even Chris is walking slower
He knows we can't do this
Again


I think this time, would be worse

If that's possible

:0(

I was so prepared to care and look after Hope. To dedicate the rest of my life to looking after her. Now I may not even get that honour

:0(

5 comments:

  1. Kelly (Shaunas mummy)27 August 2009 at 23:37

    ((Caroline))
    You are going to have very black moments like this - but Hope is still here now - you have to live for today and now or you will miss out on other things. If I'm talking crap so be it! Of course I can not understand how you are feeling. I hate to read how much you are suffering. Hope is beautiful and it is hard to believe she is so poorly when you look at her beautiful face.
    All our words are fruitless and nobody can tell you what you want to know at this minute.
    Don't give up Hope yet - she's here xxx

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  2. Caroline,
    I am thinking of you lots right now, I understand your fear of having to do all those things again,its hard enough having to say goodbye to one child. I know its so hard not to research things on the net but try not too,easier said than done, i know.I just saw the lovely picture of Hope on facebook,she is so so beautiful. I wish i do something to help, I know you are probably feeling very lonely, I know that feeling
    love and prayers being sent your way
    Love Debbie
    xxxxxx

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  3. ((((((Caroline)))))) i could have wrote this bit myself

    **I can't do it.
    Again.
    I can't....
    .. kiss 2 photos goodnight.
    ... Have 2 special stars in the sky.
    ...Kiss cold lips goodbye.
    ...Watch my dreams lowered into the ground
    ...Break Jordan and max's hearts again
    ...Watch them grieve
    ...Helpless
    ...Unable to fix them
    I just can't**

    i've thought it to myself many many times over the last 11 weeks since Sunshine was poorly, and i know myself that nothing any1 can do or say can stop me thinkin it, always here for you if ya need a chat, rant cry or just an ear or shoulder, anythin, anytime, lots of love to you and to the gorgeous honk xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  4. that was suppose to say since *we found out* sunshine was poorly xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Caroline just wanted to send my love, thoughts and prayers to you, and precious Hope and the rest of your beautiful family. So sorry you are going through this nightmare.
    Thinking of you so much
    Lots of Love
    Steph (Evie, Summer and Louie's mummy)

    ReplyDelete