Wednesday, 8 July 2009

3 years ago today...

.... was one of the happiest days of my life. I'm a but sad to say that it took 2 cards in the post to remind me. I think it's very sad that after only 3 years we have both forgotten our wedding anniversary .
I guess it's cause we have other things on our minds.
3 years isn't really a very long time, but it seems like a lifetime ago. Back then, we were so happy. Life was bliss . We had it all? We'd been together for 7 years already; had 2 beautiful healthy children, had finally settled into a home we felt we wanted to stay in, had various pets a nice car...etc
But I wanted more. The icing on the cake! That's what Sam was going to be. Perhaps i was greedy. Perhaps I should have seen how lucky we already were. Exactly 15 months after our happy wedding day began our run of not so happy. So naive we were going for the scan to find out whether we were having a boy or girl. Not for one second did I imagine that there would be anything wrong. So wrong. That day, we were told sam had only a 50% chance of surviving. This went down to 5%. Despite doing everything that could be done, our sam died- on Christmas day! I have never ever hurt so much. Some say that time's a healer...but I don't think those that say it have ever buried a child! Some said at least sam wasn't suffering, he could have been disabled. But to me, this was of no compensation. We'd have kept sam at any cost.
Hope was never a replacement! But I still longed to bring another baby into the world. She was always Hope. Before we knew she was a girl, I knew there was hope: Hope for happier times ahead.

We hoped this next child didn't have cdh too, but at the same time, I knew that if this child had cdh we'd owe the same chance at life as we gave to Sam.
Exactly a year later, we were at the same hospital being told there was something wrong. Again! But something different. Did we ever question bringing HOpe into the world? I didn't. I know people did. The doctors, my mum (she was thinking of the impact a disabled child would have on us), I think chris did too, but I also know he'll always support me- whatever my decision had been.

I didn't really feel there was any option. Yes, if I could have chosen to have a healthy baby I would have. But I wasn't given that choice. I was given the option to opt out... I COULD NOT bury another baby. I Would not! I knew as a family, we couldn't do that. Jordan and Max couldn't have done that either. So you see, we didn't really have a choice.
We definitely made the right decision. I have never questioned that. I do wonder why though.... Is it because we'd have kept sam at all costs? Is it because we are a special family? Is it because I was greedy? Is it because God only sends us what he knows we can deal with? I'll certainly have some questions when I get to heaven.

So, it's been a rough couple of years. If I could turn back time to 3 years ago, would I? No. It would be nice to feel that pure happiness again. You see for us, we'll always be one man down. There will always be a Sam shaped hole, an empty place at the table, a name missing from cards people send us. But if we could go back, and have the choice to take a different path, I'd take the same one. I am proud to be a mum of 4. I'm sorry that we've had so much sadness, especially for Jordan and Max. But we were blessed to have Sam, even for the short time he was here, and we are now blessed with Hope. Sometimes we are sad for the 'normal' life she may not lead, sometimes I worry for the uncertain future, but mainly I am greatful for our special child, entrusted to us. It is my honour to be her mum. It is an honour to be mummy to Jordan, max and sam. And it my honour to be married to Chris. There is noone in the world I can imagine walking this path with!
So I suppose today is a bit of a wake up call- for both of us. Looks like we've forgotten eachother a bit. Understandable? Yes. Acceptable? No!
But then we have a lifetime to make up for it - starting with a take away curry tonight :0) xxx
Here's to the future Mr Matthews. Hopefully our luck is on the change. A lottery win maybe?

1 comment:

  1. I don't believe in that comment that God only sends us what we can handle. That's just a phrase for people to say in sympathy to make themselves feel better cause I can tell u it's bull. Anyway, girl I am there for you, and so understand.