Thursday, 30 July 2009

Blue sky July

I'm on the beach at perrenporth. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, and behind our windbreakers, it's beautiful and warm.

Jordan and max are running back and forth from the water to fill the moat on one of daddy's samdcastles (yep, big kid-he can't ever resist).
Hope has the cutest lil towelling sun outfit on, but is all snuggled up under her pink blanket in her pink pram.

Toby is reading his newspaper, Faith (4 weeks older than Hope) is crawling around effortlessly and Tracey has temporarily disappeared

I was reading.' Blue sky July'. A recommended read by amazon when the other book you have purchased is called 'loving and caring for your special needs baby'. A bit of light reading for the beach. I've read to page 24, and feel as if i could have written it myself.
Did she marry my husband?
What is it with those perfect apgar scores?
Are we given those first norMal weeks so we can be physically stronger to cope with what lies ahead? Or as a taster of how things could have been?
Why is it doctors don't listen when a mum knows something is so wrong?
Is there ever a nice way for doctors to say your baby probably won't walk? Nor Talk?

I just needed to put the book down for a few minutes. Don't wanna sit on beach crying. But I'm not crying about Hope. My story. But Is this what everyone else sees/feels when they read Hope's blog and updates? They message me to say they read through the tears. Or that it made them cry out loud. That they have a lump in their throat.
So why am I not crying? I don't know. . . I do cry, only occassionally, and mainly I cry for Sam. The lil boy I miss everyday. And always will. But Hope's life to me isn't sad. She has a good life. We love her. She makes us happy. Perhaps there's something wrong with me?

I'll go back to my book in a minute. Actually probably later; I'll go watch the kids who now have a bodyboard-lol.
But when I do pick up my book. I feel as though I might be more than passively reading. Rather; looking in a crystal ball.

Cor, it's warming up here. The sun has got his hat on :0) I'm off to enjoy my family. Catch you soon
Ps will attach photos to this post when

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